You’d never have done that

I have been thinking about how my life has changed since I stopped drinking. Mr So keeps saying “you’d never have done that when you were drinking” and bless him, he sounds so appreciative. He seems genuinely pleased not just at the improvements to our family life but also the difference he has seen in me. I am very very lucky to have him.

My list so far includes:

Reading – I used to love reading. Nothing high brow just chick lit and the occasional biography – Stephen Fry and Derren Brown spring to mind. Both are on my fantasy dinner party list (along with Louis Theroux, Liam from 1D and Robert Peston – that would be an interesting evening!)

When I was drinking I didn’t read because quite frankly I preferred wine and most evenings I was too pissed to do much. When I hadn’t had a drink I couldn’t sit still for long  or concentrate so anything more than a page or two was beyond me.

Now I have started reading again and I love it so much. I have just finished Dawn French’s “According to Yes” and now I’m devouring Paula Hawkins’ “The Girl on the Train” which has a strong drinking theme. If you haven’t read it – do.

As well as reading, I have watched TV. I was never one to slob out on the sofa drinking wine – I preferred to do it standing up in the kitchen. Like my taste in books, my taste in TV programmes is not exactly sophisticated but having started with Embarassing Bodies and Dance Moms (my daughter’s choice) I have been watching Undercover which I love.

Early Mornings

I love mornings now. When I drank  I slept really badly and would wake exhausted with a pounding head, dry mouth, not entirely sure exactly how I had got to bed. Now I wake refreshed, with a clear head and full recollection of the evening before. I enjoy sharing breakfast with my daughters and seeing them off to school. I get ready for work in a calmer frame of mind and because my skin is better and I no longer have dark circles under my eyes, I need less make up to achieve a better result.

Although my self confidence is still low at least I no longer feel ashamed and guilty. I have regained the control alcohol took away.

Taxi Service

My daughters need ferrying from various activities, sleepovers, appointments and school stuff. When I was drinking I would do my damnedest to avoid  having to drive them. I would be the first to offer to drive their friends to evening activities in the hope that someone else would offer to drive them home. That way although I had to delay starting drinking, at least once I started there was no need to stop.

Now I am happy to drive. I enjoy being the one who can help out with lifts rather than always cadging lifts off everyone else. It feels good.


Blogging

I am not even vaguely tech savvy but somehow I managed to set this blog up all by myself. It took me almost a day so it wasn’t exactly speedy but I think the end result looks Ok. Mr So who works in IT, seems very impressed especially when I breezily refer to widgets and plug-ins.

Even more amazingly I am actually writing AND people are reading what I produce. What is more I am enjoying blogging. I would never have had the inclination to do this when I was drinking, let alone the drive to see it through. I have really surprised myself.

Looking to the Future

Just two months ago I was completely caught up in the turmoil of drinking. I was convinced I was going to have a seizure or develop cancer or liver failure. I felt like a ticking time bomb. I avoided having blood tests because I was scared of what they might show. I thought about dying almost constantly.  I imagined my daughters without their mum and my  husband remarrying and replacing me. And I knew it would all be my fault.

Now I have stopped drinking those fears have subsided. I am no longer fixated with dying and I can see a future. I have hopes and dreams again and it feels wonderful.

This is only the beginning. I have just bought my first pair of trainers in at least a decade and I have booked my first spinning class. I certainly wouldn’t have done that when I was drinking!

 

 

 

9 thoughts on “You’d never have done that

  1. Hi Tori…It’s really great all of the stuff we can now do since we are sober! When you write it all down it really puts into perspective all of the things we couldn’t/didn’t do! I had to laugh at your “reading” comment! I have been in a book club for 17 years and since my drinking had escalated in the last year I hardly read ANY of the monthly books! I couldn’t focus on the page…I was either too drunk or too hungover! But now, I’ve read the last 3 books! And a lot more in between!!! xo

  2. Wow. You sound just like me! Love to read, watch TV and do the things I hesitated to do when I was drinking. And fear of death or severe illness was high on my worry list too. Keep going and keep blogging. You’re doing well!

  3. Thank you Ripley. It’s great to know I’m not the only one. Thinking I was on my own made those thoughts overwhelming. Thank you for commenting. I really appreciate it. Although you haven’t said, it sounds as if you are doing well. Keep going ! X

  4. I can really relate to everything you wrote. I am on my second attempt but from my last sobriety journey of four months I experienced a lot of the same positives……especially the lack of lines under my eyes! I am also enjoying watching tv and remembering the endings the next morning. That is a new thing for me!

  5. Wow, you are so right about how things change! I had no concentration while drinking. And I was working as an editor! I had to read and reread things over and over again. Now, just over 40 days in, I can finish a blog and even write one myself. I used to have a glass of wine to really get in the mood to write, but I would end up with dramatic drivel and have to redo it anyway.
    Your girls are very lucky, Tori. Congratulations!

  6. I’ve only been sober for 10 days but can’t believe how much HAPPIER I feel already. Just found your blog this morning and am currently reading How to Lead a Happier, Healthier and Alcohol-free Life by Lucy Rocca. Your story sounds so familiar to mine and it’s great reading your blog and having a source to relate to. My husband has also stopped drinking as we were both drinking too much which was impacting heavily on our marriage, children, finances and lifestyle. We are going camping this weekend and I’m a little worried about how we will cope in the afternoon and evenings; not having our normal drinking session together. I guess it’s just the fear of the unknown! I’m sure I’ll be drinking lots of cups of tea instead!!

    1. Hi Angela. How lovely to hear from you – 10 days is awesome – double figures – go you !! It’s great that your husband is supportive. It really helped me that Mr So also stopped drinking. It just simplified everything.

      With the camping my advice for what it’s worth is to plan, plan, plan. Think about what you are going to drink and take plenty. Take your sober tools- things you are going to use if you find yourself struggling – your books, podcasts – have you discovered the Bubble Hour? http://www.blogtalkradio.com/bubblehour
      Also things to keep your hands busy.

      If you want to email me please do. I hope you have a great trip. You are doing so well. Xx

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