A couple of days ago I wrote about how my dry journey so far has been a rollercoaster or perhaps bungy jump. Today the rollercoaster is on a steep descent and my bungy elastic is extending.
After writing yesterday about how much I love mornings, today I woke feeling agitated and irritable. I slept well but I am out of sorts. Today the thought of never drinking again feels overwhelming. It’s not so much that I really want a drink right now because I don’t. It’s more that I know I can’t ever have one again and it doesn’t feel as if that is 100% my choosing. I suppose it all comes down to not feeling I have a say. Not being in control. And I need control BIG TIME.
Tomorrow I am seeing my addiction counsellor. I think the reason why I am feeling this way may be because I have been holding out to see her again and now as the appointment is almost here I am ready to collapse in a heap. I used to find the same thing with CBT. I would focus on getting to the date of my next appointment and as the date approached my emotions would build and build until at the appointment everything would come out and the relief of being able to talk at last would overwhelm me. I hope that’s what is happening to me today.
For me one of the main benefits of not drinking is that I am much more able to rationalise negative thoughts. Before I would have believed that all my hard work had been a waste of time and I might as well cut my losses and drink. I would have known for sure I was too weak to stop drinking and whatever anyone else said, my belief that this was the absolute truth would not have been swayed.
The difference is that today I know that is not the truth and I will be Ok. Possibly not tomorrow or the day after but in time. The rollercoaster will take an upward turn and even though right now I may feel perilously close to hitting the ground, my bungy elastic will keep me safe. Eventually it will contract and I will gain height once more.
All I need is patience and resolve.