Today I feel more positive than yesterday but still a bit…flat. I think I am a bored. It’s a bit like when you spend weeks revising for an exam or hours preparing for an interview and then all of a sudden it’s over.
I spent so long trying to stop drinking. In the final few weeks things had really escalated. I could see myself losing everything. I have always been a worrier and I have a tendency to catastrophise. This time I knew my fears were justified. It was only a matter of time.
Getting sober and staying that way for 64 days (I wonder if I will ever stop counting) has been hard, really hard. I don’t think it will ever be easy but it is getting easier. So now rather than spending all my time thinking about whether I want a drink, why I do or don’t want a drink, how long it is since I last had a drink and what would happen if I had one now (and on and on and on), I have time for other things. But what things ?
I have been completely preoccupied with how wonderful my life would be if only I could stop drinking. Now that I have finally achieved a decent period of sobriety I am feeling a sense of anti climax. Of course I feel better not to be drinking, much better but it’s not like I thought it would be.
Stopping drinking has left a lot of space in my life. It is definitely space rather than a gap or hole. It is a positive thing. I don’t need to cram it full but I do need to put that space to good use.