I’m back

Today I had an appointment with my GP. The last time I saw her was about six weeks ago, when I was coming up to four weeks sober.

When I was in the waiting room I was thinking about all the things I needed to speak to her about. In the past I have generally seen her every week or so usually because of anxiety and depression, to let her know how I am getting on. Over the past 18 months I have tried a lot of different medication combinations. Increasing this dose, decreasing that, adding something on, adding something else on to the add-on, taking it off  …and on and on and on.

Over that time I have also seen three psychiatrists and two therapists. No one could understand why the drugs I was taking were apparently having little or no effect. Two of the psychiatrists and one therapist asked me about my drinking and I lied to them. I did the same with my GP.  I did have one appointment when I tried to ask for help by saying I needed to talk about my drinking. The psych replied ” well what do you want me to do ? Send you to rehab ?”. Looking back I should have said yes but I just shut up and put up…for another year.

The others didn’t even ask me how much I drank and if they had, I wouldn’t have told them the truth.

I had a feeling that my drinking might be stopping the drugs from working properly. No, that’s a lie. I knew that was what was happening. I also knew that using alcohol alongside the sleeping pills and diazepam which I was prescribed for “occasional” use would increase their effect and take me into oblivion if I didn’t have enough wine or if it just wasn’t hitting the spot. I would save those drugs for a little treat when I really deserved it.

I eventually shared the truth about my drinking with my GP when I had referred myself to my local addiction service. She seemed genuinely surprised, particularly when she suggested that in time I would be able to drink”normally” and I said I couldn’t just have one drink so I needed to stop completely.

I feel a bit sorry for my GP. When she sees me on her list of appointments she must wonder what kind of state I am going to be in, what latest emotional turmoil I am going through.

Today though was good. She asked me how things were going and I couldn’t stop talking. I realised I had so much to share and I felt excitement about telling her my news “Today is day 69, I feel much better, my job is going well, I’ve been chosen to do a big project, I just finished a course on alcohol and addiction and I’ve started a blog”. I almost forgot to breathe !

I feel so much better than I did when I was drinking. My medication is working better, I am no longer sabotaging my health and I suppose put most simply, I feel like “me”again. I’d forgotten who I was but now I’m back and it feels good.

3 thoughts on “I’m back

  1. Hi Tori

    I took anti depressants and drank for years. Years.
    Now the meds work it’s brilliant isn’t it. Why do we kid ourselves for so long?
    I’ll be following your journey with interest
    x Claire

  2. That is wonderful Tori!!! You know, my friend is an NP, and she told me that doctors usually double the amount of drinks a patient says they have! Yikes!! I am happy you are seeing so many positive changes in your sobriety!!! Keep on going! Congrats on Day 69!! xo

  3. Great news! Glad to hear you are feeling so well and were able to discuss it with your GP. It is interesting how, despite random cravings that still exist, we can feel so much better once the cloud of drinking has had time to lift!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *