Rubbing my palms

Today I feel better again. I had a lovely evening yesterday and slept well. This morning I’m full of beans.

The only thing is  I am feeling “buzzy” (the beans I have used to make my usual morning brew are decaffeinated so feeling ‘full of beans”is not a caffeine rush !) So far I have rushed around tidying up, putting on laundry – I am on load three already – and cleaning. We are having a street association celebration for the Queen’s 90th birthday so I have baked and decorated cakes for that. I have sorted out some admin and am writing this blog and it’s only 10.00am.

I have blogged several times about how, 73 days sober, my mood continues to fluctuate. I imagined it would have calmed down by now. It’s better than it was but I am still surprised at how quickly I can go from feeling like this to being flat, despondent and fed up.

My changing moods echo what I experienced during a drinking session. If I was going out or spending an evening with other people I would start out feeling anxious and would have a drink to calm my nerves and make me feel more chilled. As I continued drinking I would become more sociable, more animated and outwardly at least would look as if I was having a good time.

As I went  on I became less inhibited both in terms of what I said and did. Then things would shift. I would start to feel more emotional. Usually I would feel more affectionate and would need to tell others how much they meant to me. I would reminisce about the past. Later my mood would drop and I would often end up upset or crying. Sometimes I would feel cross or irritated and would become more argumentative.

At home I didn’t really get the same extremes of emotions. After the initial calming effect of the first few drinks, I would know that I was losing control and would panic. I would try to cover up how much I had had to drink by maintaining what I thought was a “normal” appearance but there were things which Mr So would notice, which would lead him to ask how much I had had to drink and suggesting I have a glass of water. He would say he could see from my eyes that I had been drinking – I would try to counter this by wearing my glasses instead of contact lenses. I don’t know why it didn’t occur to me that Mr So would also notice this. Apparently I also had a habit of rubbing my palms together when I had been drinking. Mr So pointed this out to me on one occasion and from there on in I had to try not to. I was so frustrated at how hard it was.

After that, I would read to my daughter, trying not to slur my speech. My mood would drop further and usually I would go to bed but not remember quite how I had got there.

The cycle continued day after day. Up and down. Up and down. And down and down and down…

The mood changes I experience sober are similar is some ways to what happened to me when I was drinking. The difference is that they are more gradual and the highs last longer than the lows. It’s still exhausting and unsettling. I wish they would settle but I guess I need to be patient.


4 thoughts on “Rubbing my palms

  1. I definitely have the up and down moods…..but I think I had them while drinking as well. I just notice them more now and don’t have drinking to numb the lows. So great to see you at Day 73!

  2. Toward the end of my drinking days I was down all the time. So now I am a much happier person but the mood swings can take you by surprise. Im so pleased you were able to fatham out where your anxiety was coming from and worked through it. Next time Mr SO is away you will feel stronger. I also tried very hard not to look drunk infront of my hubby but he was always the one that knew when I was. I snuck drinks, hid bottles, Brushed my teeth haha, even managed to do all the chores round the house but he always knew. Life is better now 🙂

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