Today I feel better again. I had a lovely evening yesterday and slept well. This morning I’m full of beans.
The only thing is I am feeling “buzzy” (the beans I have used to make my usual morning brew are decaffeinated so feeling ‘full of beans”is not a caffeine rush !) So far I have rushed around tidying up, putting on laundry – I am on load three already – and cleaning. We are having a street association celebration for the Queen’s 90th birthday so I have baked and decorated cakes for that. I have sorted out some admin and am writing this blog and it’s only 10.00am.
I have blogged several times about how, 73 days sober, my mood continues to fluctuate. I imagined it would have calmed down by now. It’s better than it was but I am still surprised at how quickly I can go from feeling like this to being flat, despondent and fed up.
My changing moods echo what I experienced during a drinking session. If I was going out or spending an evening with other people I would start out feeling anxious and would have a drink to calm my nerves and make me feel more chilled. As I continued drinking I would become more sociable, more animated and outwardly at least would look as if I was having a good time.
As I went on I became less inhibited both in terms of what I said and did. Then things would shift. I would start to feel more emotional. Usually I would feel more affectionate and would need to tell others how much they meant to me. I would reminisce about the past. Later my mood would drop and I would often end up upset or crying. Sometimes I would feel cross or irritated and would become more argumentative.
At home I didn’t really get the same extremes of emotions. After the initial calming effect of the first few drinks, I would know that I was losing control and would panic. I would try to cover up how much I had had to drink by maintaining what I thought was a “normal” appearance but there were things which Mr So would notice, which would lead him to ask how much I had had to drink and suggesting I have a glass of water. He would say he could see from my eyes that I had been drinking – I would try to counter this by wearing my glasses instead of contact lenses. I don’t know why it didn’t occur to me that Mr So would also notice this. Apparently I also had a habit of rubbing my palms together when I had been drinking. Mr So pointed this out to me on one occasion and from there on in I had to try not to. I was so frustrated at how hard it was.
After that, I would read to my daughter, trying not to slur my speech. My mood would drop further and usually I would go to bed but not remember quite how I had got there.
The cycle continued day after day. Up and down. Up and down. And down and down and down…
The mood changes I experience sober are similar is some ways to what happened to me when I was drinking. The difference is that they are more gradual and the highs last longer than the lows. It’s still exhausting and unsettling. I wish they would settle but I guess I need to be patient.