A red Aga

I feel guilty about what a bad mother I was when I was drinking. I would avoid activities which would encroach on my drinking time and would do anything to engineer lifts so that I would not have to drive to pick up. I could usually arrange it so I would do the drop off and one of the other mums would collect. That way at least I had a clear run at drinking as much as possible once I had driven to whichever party or activity my daughters were going to. I did have to take care not to look as if I had been drinking when the other mum dropped them back but generally I could manage that as long as they weren’t too chatty.

Now I am happy to ferry my own children and all of their friends wherever, whenever. I wonder how many of the other mums will be taking the opportunity to have a glass of wine or too. I have sneaking feeling there are quite a few whose relationship with alcohol is exactly like mine. Only they are still drinking.

Now I am sober I am a better mum. I enjoy reading bedtime stories whereas before this was just a chore I had to get through before I could have another glass of wine. I had to concentrate hard not to slur my words and from time to time my daughter would notice. “Mummy’s just tired, poor Mummy” I would explain. The next day I would hardly be able to remember what we had read. Now I enjoy every gripping instalment of whatever story we are reading so much so that my daughter tells me off for sneakily reading ahead to find out what happens !

I am much better at helping out with homework and I have oodles more patience than before. I actually enjoy the time I spend with my daughters and I think I am more fun than I was before. Still not exactly bursting with fun – that’s Mr So’s domain but more fun nevertheless.

My daughters know I no longer drink alcohol because I was drinking too much and I didnt like how it made me feel. My youngest daughter made me a certificate when I got to 70 days and frequently tells me how much she prefers it now neither Mr So nor I drink.

The problem is now appreciate that I can be a good Mum, I feel sad and ashamed about all those years I wasted just plodding joylessly through motherhood wondering when I would be able to have a drink. Sometimes when I was drinking it crossed my mind that it would have been simpler not to have had children. I had wanted a family so very much and when I was younger had imagined myself with 4 children a wonderful husband and a red Aga – the Aga was very important and it had to be red! Alcohol made me selfish and self-centred in ways I can hardly believe.

I know I need to move on and leave the regrets behind me but at the moment I think I am overcompensating for my failures as a Mum. I am very soft on my girls and I know they are a bit spoilt and overindulged but they are also, kind, thoughtful, bright, lively and spirited. Perhaps I not doing too bad a job after all.

6 thoughts on “A red Aga

  1. Hi Tori,
    I am so proud of you for making this HUGE change.
    I had to face those feelings os shame of what I did while drinking.
    But here’s the thing I learned…I said I was sorry to those I really needed to, (my hubs the most)…and I understood to a deeper level that I could not change the past.
    What happened, happened. NO one is perfect.
    We can’t live now if we live in our shame of the past.
    Face today with all of the love of your family, and if you need to tell them that you are so sorry.
    Then live just this day.

    1. Thank you Wendy. Your words mean so much. I think you are right. Saying sorry if I need to would help. At the moment I am carrying my regrets round with me and they are holding me back. Wise words. X

  2. I think any child who is also as you described..kind, thoughtful, bright, lively and spirited can be indulged without too much ramification. If you were spoiling too much, I doubt the kind and thoughtful would apply. I feel the same way, hard to let go of time lost but best to appreciate the here and now and move forward. Great job on your journey!!

  3. Write it out and leave it behind. Or go to a river or pond with some nice round pebbles. Give each one a name “resenting reading at night” or whatever. Then throw them away, into the river…

    It’s hard, but try to,give yourself a break


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