I feel horrible. Really disgusting. The weather is hot and humid. I find it really oppressive and uncomfortable. My skin, which has been much better since I stopped drinking is blemished. I feel dirty.
I am eating too much and a lot of it is crap. This is not like me. I feel guilty but at the same time I can’t seem to pull myself together and stop. My weight is the same but if I carry on like this it won’t be. I feel fat and frumpy. I don’t like any of my clothes.
I am overwhelmingly bored. I would like to go to sleep and wake up in six months to find everything is better. Perhaps I’d even be able to drink like a “normal” person?
I am at home. I have been doing paperwork all day although I did make myself go to my spinning class for an hour. In a minute I am going to start the ironing – there is A LOT. I don’t usually mind doing it but today I would rather not. We are running out of clothes and when it is done I know I will feel a sense of achievement – how sad is that.
Outside I can hear people having BBQ. I can hear chatting and laughter. They are having fun and to be frank it really pisses me off. I am feeling bitter and resentful. I want to tell them to shut up “Don’t you know some of us are trying not to drink? Some of us can’t have fun”. I can’t have fun.
On Friday I am seeing my counsellor for the first time in 8 weeks. I wanted to be slim and together by then. I can feel panic starting to set in – what if I still feel and look like this by then? Sometimes I find I kind of save things up for him- perhaps that’s what I’ve been doing. I don’t know.
I also have a follow up meeting at the drugs and alcohol service with the people I did my course on addictive desire with. I don’t really want to go. I think it might be a bit triggery but I want to see how everyone is. I want to tell the course leader I am still sober.
I have been re reading my online friend Lily’s blog where she writes about the four emotional stages of sobriety: https://alcoholfree2016.com/2016/07/15/the-4-emotional-stages-of-sobriety/ I think I am at Stage 2, perhaps teetering on Stage 3. Stage 3 sounds pretty tough too but at least it will be progress.
As much as I wish I could hibernate and wake to to find everything fixed, I know I need to work through this process. I can’t just skip a stage. I need to experience it. This MY sober journey.