Later today I am going to a reunion of the group I attended at the drugs and alcohol service. We completed a course on Addictive Desire Recognition.
There were five of us in the group, each at different points in our recovery journey. At the time of the first session I was 34 days sober. One of the group had just completed a detox and the remaining three were drinking. We are all what you would probably call “high functioning” alcoholics. Two of us are professionals, one is retired and two are studying – one for her PhD.
The course was tough. There were a lot of tears. There was frustration, shame, despair and painful vulnerability. I shared things in that room I have never told anyone before or since. Although it was hard it was also exhilarating to finally be doing something after such a long time drinking myself into a hole. I really looked forward to the sessions and felt at a real loose end when the course finished.
At the end of the 5 weeks, two of us were still sober, one was booked to start a detox and the others were drinking. A week or so later, one of those, my friend Elle stopped drinking. She is now 30 days sober.
The group met up again just after Elle stopped drinking. The PhD student had been drinking heavily since the course had finished. She was in a bad way. The retired man had decided not to go ahead with the detox and was still drinking. I found it hard seeing everyone again, especially the two who were struggling. I had kind of blocked out what had happened and how I had ended up meeting these people. Seeing them again brought everything back into sharp focus. I felt guilty that I was still getting on OK but I also felt scared at the reminder of the fragility of my sobriety. It a funny way I felt almost threatened.
Five weeks on, we are meeting again. The meeting will be led by the course facilitator so it’s not a social get together as such. I want to go because it will be lovely to see Elle and to catch up with the others. At the same time I am dreading what will happen if I find that they are struggling. I just want a happy ending for everyone and I’m not sure what I will find…