Even when something is almost perfect, I can’t resist an extra tweak to make it just so. I don’t like crinkles and creases and I have a thing about bits of fluff. Tatty covers and dog-eared pages drive me mad.
I have been taking antidepressants for the best part of the last 15 years, on and off. I had a breakdown in February 2014 and none of the medications I tried really helped that much. Most of all I relied on alcohol and the occasional diazepam to get me through. There was one drug which helped a little but that made me put on weight and I stopped talking it. Completely illogical when I think that I must have been downing a good 500 -750 calories worth on wine most days but I couldn’t give up wine could I ? No I needed my wine.
Since I stopped drinking, the antidepressants I am taking seem to be working much more effectively. It is hard to say for sure how much of the improvement I feel is down to being sober and how much is attributable to the medication but I feel better. In fact I feel good.
The other morning as I was taking my medication, the little thought “why don’t you just stop taking these now ? you’re better now – you don’t need them” popped into my head. So I put the packet away and didn’t take the tablet – simple as that.
I carried on for the next few days and didn’t really think about it much but I did feel a bit grouchy and irritable. I also blogged here about feeling tired. Yesterday, I told Mr So I was feeling a bit depressed. He asked if I’d taken my medication and I told him I’d thought I didn’t really need to take it any more, so I hadn’t.
That little voice in my head is, I think, a relative or close acquaintance of my wine witch. I have succeeded in largely silencing the wine witch and when occasionally she does pipe up I can shout her down and shut her away without too much difficulty. But her friends who suggest things like stopping my antidepressants cold turkey, on the spur of the moment, without telling anyone and without a plan are proving tricky to manage. The ones who suggest that I really deserve a cake and should go and buy one now or that I don’t need to bother going to the gym today as there s always tomorrow, can be hard to resist, especially if I am tired or bored and just can’t be arsed.
So I am taking my antidepressants again. When I next see the consultant I will talk to her about when to think about stopping them and how to do it. I will have a plan and when I am ready, if I am ready, I will reduce and eventually stop my medication. But that doesn’t have to be now or even any time soon. I am certain the medication is helping and I do not feel I have any side effects so why complicate things now ? Why does a part of me think my sobriety is slightly spoiled by the fact that I still take antidepressants ? I think that little voice telling me to stop is the part of me that likes all the loose ends tied up and everything spick and span. I need to remember is that a few untied ends and the occasional speck of dust won’t do me any harm.