Yesterday I was in the kitchen at work making a cup of tea. A lady I know by sight but don’t really have much contact with was there and I greeted her with the usual “How are you ? Did you have a good weekend ?” She sighed and told me she was having problems with her son. I asked her how old he is “28” she replied “but he’s drinking too much and I’m worried about him”. She told me he didn’t want to go to his GP.
I knew that, having accessed my local drugs and alcohol service myself, I could probably offer her some useful information. So I took a deep breath and spurted out at high speed the details of the service and how good they are and what they can help with. She told me she thought he was taking drugs as well as drinking. So I said I would print out some info and give it to her. About half an hour later I discreetly handed her an envelope with contact details for the service and details of how they work.
I felt pleased I had been able to help in a small way.
But I spent the rest of the day thinking about her and her son and then about myself. I have been going along quite happily, not really thinking about my drinking for a while. But I started thinking about how bad it got, what a mess I was in, what might have happened. I remembered all the awful things I said and did when I was drinking. I was even ruminating back to events when I was in my 20’s – that’s more than 20 years ago.
I suppose this was bound to happen at some point. In a way I think it’s a kind of post trauma response (I do not in any way want to trivialize the experience of those with PTSD, I know it’s not the same). Or perhaps a grieving response – perhaps I am going through something like a bereavement ?
Whatever it is I think I need to talk. I haven’t seen my therapist since 27 May when I was at 58 days. Now I am at Day 160. I am due to see him 17 days time. Today I feel as if I am going to burst. I really want to cry but I can’t. I want to talk and talk and talk and get all these thoughts out of my head. I don’t know where this has come from or why it is happening now but it’s caught me by surprise and taken my breath away.