I have got a interview for a promotion later this week. Well not just an interview – verbal and numerical reasoning tests, a role play, a written exercise and an interview. There are internal and external candidates and not that many jobs. This is the first time I have applied for a promotion since I started my current job just over 2 years ago. Quite quickly after starting I had a breakdown – probably triggered by the death of Mr So’s Mum a year before which I found very hard to cope with. That together with a new job when I had no idea what I was supposed to be doing, pushed me over the edge. It was then that my drinking really escalated.
But now I am so much better. I wanted to apply to prove to myself how much stronger I am and also to show work that I’m ok – not the sobbing, shouty, unbalanced, unpredictable wreck I presented as.
I have been trying to prepare all weekend but I have found it so hard to apply myself. My mind is blank. What am I going to do if they ask me a question and I can’t think of anything to say ? Or perhaps worse, I say something really stupid.
I have seriously considered pulling out of the process in the name of self care but I think I really need to go through the process and prove to myself I can get through an interview even if it is a disaster. I don’t realistically have a chance of getting a job but if I could hit the pass score it would be good.
I was able to choose the interview date so I chose Thursday because it will be Day 183 – 6 months. Whatever the outcome of the interview 6 months will be a significant achievement.
This evening I am in a bit of a state. I feel lightheaded and nauseous and I have a headache. It is really a bit over the top. I need to try and chill out more but it’s hard. 6 months ago I would have got through this by consuming copious amounts of wine. At least I’m not doing that anymore.