If no one would find out ..

I am struggling, more than I can remember for a very long time. I am feeling very worn down. By my job, by trying to keep the house running, just by being.

I really felt as if I was settling into sobriety. I wrote all that stuff about how far I had come and how it didn’t matter what the outcome of the interview was. Today that feels like bullshit. Sugar coated bullshit.

The last fortnight has been very disrupted. A week on call followed by a week preparing for the interview. At work I have got very little done. At home everywhere feels cluttered and messy. I am constantly washing, drying, folding and putting away laundry. We are having some building work done and for almost four months two rooms have been out of action and all the stuff from those rooms is spread elsewhere. It is really getting to me now.

My eating has gone downhill – so much for not eating carbs and avoiding sugar. I have forced myself to go to my spin class this morning. I am making myself write here. What I would really like to do is drink. I don’t have any desire to moderate. I want to get drunk. I am NOT going to but if I didn’t have this blog and Mr So, if I could do it without anyone finding out, I think I would.

18 thoughts on “If no one would find out ..

  1. I do genuinely feel your pain. Your past fortnight mirrors mine. You won’t drink though. Yeah you could get completely pissed and not give a shit for a few hours but you know it would destroy you the morning after. Life is shit sometimes. Absolutely shit. Nothing’s worth falling off the wagon for though my friend. Your blogs have inspired me to stay strong. So I’m paying it forward to you xxx

  2. HA! Isn’t it funny that it suddenly hits you like a train…..the craving, the “just one drink/bottle/(s)” won’t hurt. I looked after my mates dogs last night without hubbie. A perfect time to get away with drinking and getting rid of the evidence before going home and the desire to drink was soooo strong, it took all my mental energy not to. You only kid yourself, kick yourself, suffer the hangover and feeling like shit and beat yourself up afterwards.
    Is it worth it?? NO!
    Stay strong, get enough sleep and look after yourself. It will pass.

    1. Thank you Nicki. You did really well resisting the temptation there but you are right it wouldn’t be worth it. I don’t know if I would be able to stop again if started drinking. X

  3. It’s time for some rest and self-care. And comfort food, forget counting carbs and sugar right now. You’re going to feel this way sometimes, having clutter in the house and in your mind doesn’t help. You said if you could drink withot anyone finding out…but YOU would find out! Go slow, go easy…sending hugs. xx

    1. Thank you Lori. You are right, even if no one else knew, I would. Not going to beat yard up too much about the carbs etc. Xxx

  4. I hear you, Tori! Hang in there, keep writing. That external system of accountability is critical. You’ve got this. Great job on the spin class. Don’t focus on the carbs/sugars right now. You’ll get back to that great sobriety mood but for now just sit tight through these feelings. You’ve been doing so great! Read back on how awesome you are doing!!!

  5. These moments are rough when they hit, aren’t they? For me, I’ve felt like this when everything gets too much and I haven’t had enough of a break. Taking some time to really take care of myself — a day off, a good book, lying on the couch reading, some nice walks, lots of healthy food and a good dollop of ice cream in the evening — that’s what my self care looks like and it helps me get bast those bleak times. I do disagree with part of what you say though –all the stuff you’ve said about what you’ve learned and how you’ve got this sober thing and all that, it’s not bullshit! If it were, you wouldn’t be saying, “but I won’t drink.” Sounds like you’ve learned heaps,. Sometimes everything sucks anyway, But it gets better again too, and taking care of yourself in the meantime is the kindest way through. Sending you best wishes and a big hug xo

  6. I agree with other posts… I too have been where you are. Running a house, working, and most importantly staying sober. I am currently reading a book called “The Naked Mind, controlling Alcohol ” by Annie Grace. It exposes alcohol for what it is, a drug. Helping me to see the negative impact it has had on my life. Goal is to remove the craving. Jason Vale also has a similar book. The idea is to change your mindset, it is full of wisdom, humor and love. Stay Strong!

  7. Ugh. I hear you so loud and clear. But the thing is, I gave in! I said eff it and drank a bottle. I had had enough and after 2.5mos I drank. And now here I am on day 7, starting over. The thing is you can’t unlearn what you know, and so It wasn’t the same. I felt guilty while drinking, didn’t enjoy it, felt panicked about how the next morning would suck, and then couldn’t look anyone in the eye in the next day. It SUCKED. All of it. Think about my story when the urges get strong, because I have a feeling it would be the same story of you had to write it. ❤️ So I begin again… Sending you light and love.

  8. You can do this, Tori. It sucks and it surprises us when it sucks, because it usually comes from a place we’re not looking at, or aware of. The surprise attack floors us. But? We can take our time getting up. We can take our time getting back into the craziness of Life. Sometimes the punch or the kick or the all-out brawl helps us to see what we’re not doing. Who we’re not taking care of. … And yes, usually it’s ourselves. *smile* Kick in the pants. Literally. Let go of some of the external pressures and focus on what you need. If it’s cake, eat the cake. If it’s a spin class, go the spin class. Say ‘no’ to the laundry for a day. Or, say ‘no’ to making dinner. Sandwiches or cereal for everyone! Read a book. It will be okay. It won’t feel okay for awhile, but then it will. It will be okay.* -HM.

    1. Thank you for your support. I will think about your story – it is very powerful. Well done for getting back on to the sobriety rollercoaster. Xxx

    2. Thank HM. You are right. I need to ease up and practice the self care I am always urging others to practice. No one will die if the laundry takes over the house or if they have to eat sandwiches. But if I start drinking again there is a very real possibility that I could die – perhaps not straight away but eventually I think drinking would kill me xxx

  9. Hi Tori, I believe you would NOT drink even if no one would know. I think you have gained strength and so much from your almost 200 days of sobriety that you would not chuck it away. I know what you mean. I’m struggling with the chaos of life too. But I also know that life was chaotic when I was drinking – and at least now I am not ashamed of myself …

    sending you much love Lily x

  10. Hi Tori, I’m just starting my journey to sobriety. I stopped drinking for six weeks a couple of years ago, it felt really good. Needless to say I started drinking again telling myself this time it would be in moderation and not every night.
    I would lay down at night in bed hating myself for the drinking, asking myself why ‘I was killing myself slowly?’ Also asking, what was having a drink changing, apart from my mood, nothing for the better that’s for sure. Everything around me was the same just how I was viewing it became different because of the alcohol. But of course the very next evening I was pouring myself another drink. The worst is wine, once opened that bottle was drunk, by me. So I stopped buying wine, my husband is supportive and we thought trying some other alcohol that I felt less addicted to might help the dilemma. Crazy I know. That didn’t work. So here I am, 3 days in , AF , and feeling positive . But I know I’m going to hit those brick walls , it’s going to be tough because my brain try’s to trick me into thinking that having a drink will make life better or easier or both, more interesting or less stressful, whichever way, I know it does none of the above. I know it’s going to be tough. But ultimately so worth it. You’re amazing , keep going, smile and be grateful for what you have.
    I keep reminding myself that life is so very short, and I’m already well into my 50’s , I want to make the most of the rest of my life, with my family and friends. Here’s to strength and positivity!

    1. Hi Lindsey. Thank you SO much for such kind and positive words. I really do appreciate it. You can do this. I am here cheering you on. XXXX

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