I am struggling, more than I can remember for a very long time. I am feeling very worn down. By my job, by trying to keep the house running, just by being.
I really felt as if I was settling into sobriety. I wrote all that stuff about how far I had come and how it didn’t matter what the outcome of the interview was. Today that feels like bullshit. Sugar coated bullshit.
The last fortnight has been very disrupted. A week on call followed by a week preparing for the interview. At work I have got very little done. At home everywhere feels cluttered and messy. I am constantly washing, drying, folding and putting away laundry. We are having some building work done and for almost four months two rooms have been out of action and all the stuff from those rooms is spread elsewhere. It is really getting to me now.
My eating has gone downhill – so much for not eating carbs and avoiding sugar. I have forced myself to go to my spin class this morning. I am making myself write here. What I would really like to do is drink. I don’t have any desire to moderate. I want to get drunk. I am NOT going to but if I didn’t have this blog and Mr So, if I could do it without anyone finding out, I think I would.