The group on Thursday evening went well. Really lovely people who made me feel very welcome. All at different stages in their recovery and with a huge range of experience and different perspectives to share. If I hadn’t had my recent wobble I probably wouldn’t have looked for a group so perhaps it was a blessing in disguise after all.
So I am looking forward to going again this week. But I still feel guilty and quite frankly a touch selfish. I wrote before about how I felt anxious about asking Mr So if he would mind if I went to the group. And of course, being the wonderful man he is, he was all for it. Is all for it. Now I am worried because I will be out every Thursday evening and also because there is a small fee for the group. Mr So isn’t phased by that so why am I making it such a big thing in my head ?
I still feel guilty that I got myself into such a mess with alcohol and that I took so long to do anything about it. There is a voice in my head which says if I had been stronger I wouldn’t need to go out leaving Mr So to sort out all the evening stuff with our girls.
I feel similarly about the support I have needed for my mental health issues. I seem to have stumbled from one crisis to the next since I developed postnatal depression 15 years ago. Over that time I have spent a considerable amount on therapy and I have caused all kinds of difficulties with not being able to cope with things which most people would take in their stride. I undermined the effect of the therapy and medication by pouring wind down my throat. I dread to think how much I spent on alcohol over the years. I did work it out at about £40 per week in the year or so before I finally stopped drinking – huge blush.
I am rambling, but what it comes down to is that I feel bad. And I feel bad about feeling bad. Literally going round in circles. Why do I do this to myself ? I need to cut myself some slack.