This sobriety business is so exhausting. Admittedly I have more good days than when I was drinking, a lot more. But at the same time I have days when I am really struggling to keep my chin above water. I don’t really have the desire to drink but I do sometimes think about what else I could use to soften the edges a bit.
I didn’t get the job I was interviewed for at the end of September. I am not surprised but I was hoping that although I would not come out as the top candidate, I would achieve the pass mark and get a place on a wait list in the event of there being further vacancies. The scoring was very complicated and there were five elements to the process, the interview itself being only one. Fir the other think things like verbal and numerical reasoning, written exercises and a role play. I got good scores on everything apart from the interview, which although not disastrous was weaker. As a consequence although I actually hit the overall pass mark, because my interview score was not a pass, I was not deemed to have passed.
I was unhappy with some of the things the interviewer said during the interview and had I passed, I was going to raise these as feedback. Because I haven’t passed, I’m not going to do so because it just looks like sour grapes. (If I was feeling more upbeat I would probably make some kind of observation about the appropriateness of that phrase being in mind this is a sober blog). When my children protest that something is unfair, I point out to them that life isn’t fair. But that doesn’t mean it isn’t crap.
I have been ruminating at length since I found out the result. I am flat and demotivated and my sleep has gone to pot. I just can’t be bothered. I set up some new therapy sessions and then cancelled them because I got worried I was being self indulgent and can’t really justify the cost. I just don’t know what to do with myself. The leader of the group I go to suggested I need to just go with my feelings and let them be. She says eventually I will feel stronger and will be more resilient for having done so. Problem is that at the moment I don’t want to feel. I have a lot of chatter in my head and I need it to go away.