I am feeling very raw right now. I have tried again to get help. I have contacted the psychiatrist I saw before and I am waiting for her to reply. I had a slightly rude email from her PA asking me not to contact her private practice as I was an NHS patient – although I quite clearly said I am happy to pay to see her privately. In any event if I tried to contact her through the NHS I would have to go to my GP, wait for a referral and then I might get to see her in the New Year. I understand why people get desperate and end up in crisis, perhaps even hurting themselves or worse.

I have spoken to my therapist who has brought my next appointment forward but it’s still 2 weeks away.

So here I am with my thoughts. There are 3 things which are bothering me in particular and which I keep coming back to again and again.

I cannot shake the guilt and self blame I feel for having got myself into such a mess with alcohol and for not doing anything about it for such a long time. This is all self-inflicted so who am I to complain. I am ashamed at how deceitful I became and for how long I hid my drinking and worse, lied about it.

I feel guilty about how long it took me to love my first daughter. How could a mother  fail to love her child? I felt little for her until she was perhaps 2 years old. I waited until she was 1 before I realised something might be wrong and asked for help. Just like my drinking except with that it was even longer.

I am thinking a lot about how I was bullied at school for the way I look. I had written before about the weakness I have on the left hand side of my face and how cruel children can be. Sometimes I am Ok with it – surgery has improved it no end – but at the moment I don’t want to look in the mirror and I hate it when I catch a glimpse of myself especially from the side. Photos are an absolute no.

I feel that my life is slipping past and still at 45 years old, I haven’t got into the swing of things yet. I don’t want to look back and realise that I have been miserable for most of my life and now it’s too late.

I didn’t appreciate that all this might come up when I stopped drinking but I know that while starting again might block out the bullying and my failure to love my daughter when she was a baby, it wouldn’t help with my regrets about alcohol.

4 thoughts on “Thoughts

  1. Sending hugs. No, it definitely would not help to start drinking again to block your feelings. Now that you’re sober the feelings you were trying to hide are in full force. Please stay strong and continue to reach out for help. Thinking of you 🙂 xx

  2. Oh Tori,
    I wish I could just hug you.
    The past is gone.
    We can’t change it.
    You are taking action now. That’s the important part.

    You are loved just as you are.
    I understand the bullied part as my eye turns in and I talk funny and even adults say things to me now. Kids always did.
    It’s hard at times.
    But they don’t know any better, and if they do, well they are jerks.

    The hardest of all is to forgive yourself.
    You didn’t plan on having a problem.
    You did the best you could. Me too.
    Now we know better, and are making strong choices.
    Big Hug,

  3. Oh Tori.
    You got addicted, to an addictive substance. You aren’t wrong. You aren’t bad.

    I abused alcohol for years, i was surrounded by drinkers. It took a long time to really listen to that voice deep inside that said ‘this isn’t good for me, this doesn’t make me feel good – not long term’
    I ‘knew’ but I drowned it out with the drugs and alcohol and compulsive behaviours.
    You’re reaching out. You’re changing things. I know it feels horrible right now but you have to feel all those feelings that you ‘drank away’ in order to grow.

    ‘Life is on the other side of our comfort zone’ – I used to have a magnet on my fridge that said this. You know what – its uncomfortable. It’s horrible but it won’t always be that way. This too shall pass.

    Sending love and hugs xxx

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