I am feeling very raw right now. I have tried again to get help. I have contacted the psychiatrist I saw before and I am waiting for her to reply. I had a slightly rude email from her PA asking me not to contact her private practice as I was an NHS patient – although I quite clearly said I am happy to pay to see her privately. In any event if I tried to contact her through the NHS I would have to go to my GP, wait for a referral and then I might get to see her in the New Year. I understand why people get desperate and end up in crisis, perhaps even hurting themselves or worse.
I have spoken to my therapist who has brought my next appointment forward but it’s still 2 weeks away.
So here I am with my thoughts. There are 3 things which are bothering me in particular and which I keep coming back to again and again.
I cannot shake the guilt and self blame I feel for having got myself into such a mess with alcohol and for not doing anything about it for such a long time. This is all self-inflicted so who am I to complain. I am ashamed at how deceitful I became and for how long I hid my drinking and worse, lied about it.
I feel guilty about how long it took me to love my first daughter. How could a mother fail to love her child? I felt little for her until she was perhaps 2 years old. I waited until she was 1 before I realised something might be wrong and asked for help. Just like my drinking except with that it was even longer.
I am thinking a lot about how I was bullied at school for the way I look. I had written before about the weakness I have on the left hand side of my face and how cruel children can be. Sometimes I am Ok with it – surgery has improved it no end – but at the moment I don’t want to look in the mirror and I hate it when I catch a glimpse of myself especially from the side. Photos are an absolute no.
I feel that my life is slipping past and still at 45 years old, I haven’t got into the swing of things yet. I don’t want to look back and realise that I have been miserable for most of my life and now it’s too late.
I didn’t appreciate that all this might come up when I stopped drinking but I know that while starting again might block out the bullying and my failure to love my daughter when she was a baby, it wouldn’t help with my regrets about alcohol.