Day 250. It feels almost surreal. I can remember vividly that morning when I finally admitted to myself I couldn’t carry on the way I was and I needed help. I remember how terrified I was, how I knew I needed to take the first steps before I changed my mind. I remember telling Mr So I needed to stop drinking and I couldn’t do it on my own. I remember calling the addiction service and explaining I wanted to “access” their support. I remember the shame, embarrassment, desperation and fear. I remember the relief.
Since then so much has happened. There are still plenty of things I am still working out. There are thoughts and feelings and behaviours which I used alcohol to suppress and which I now need to face up to sober. I used to feel scared of this but now I feel stronger, that fear has gone. After such a long time blocking out and numbing my emotions, it is good to feel again, even when those feelings are difficult or painful. Feeling is living.
At 250 days I feel settled in my sobriety. There are so many benefits:
I look better, particularly my skin which is clearer, brighter and generally healthier.
My sleep is good. I look forward to going to bed and to waking up. I sleep soundly and awake refreshed with a clear head.
My brain and memory function so much better than when I was drinking. I am much better at my job.
I am a nicer person and a better mum – I enjoy motherhood so much more. I am fully present for my daughters.
My mental health is better. I still need to take medication and probably always will but at least now it has a better chance of working, with alcohol out of the equation. I am also gaining much more from therapy than I was when I was drinking and lying to my therapist about what was really going on with me.
I have much more time. I no longer plan my life around drinking. I can do what I want, when I want. I never have to worry about driving.
My relationship with Mr So is stronger than ever. We are a team. We have fun. Almost every day we remark on how much better things are now we don’t drink. It’s good to be in this together.
I could go on and on but the gist of it is that getting and staying sober is the best thing I have ever done. A year ago, as I tried and failed to moderate in the run up to Christmas, I would never have believed I could be where I am today. But here I am and it feels good. Xx