Sober Lonely


So today I decided to go to a meeting. I have written here about how lonely I feel and how I have been looking for some kind of peer support group. I went to one group which although it started well, didn’t work out so I have been back to square one. I am a very tactile person and I feel a real need to be around people who are on a similar journey to me. Not that I am going to start hugging them and grabbing their hands (!) but just that I would sometimes like to be able to see and hear other people and be seen and heard. I would like to be physically in the same room with people who “get it”.

The meeting was OK. The people were nice and the facilitator was good. But still I felt that because outwardly I am coping ok, because I have made it this far, my need was less valid than that of others who are  visibly struggling right now. The facilitator asked me if I was having any problems staying sober and I said no but I am feeling very lonely and isolated and sad. Then I cried. He asked me if something had happened to trigger these feelings. I couldn’t really answer.

This made me feel guilty but also really resentful towards those who I see getting the support I crave. Then I felt guilty about feeling resentful. I want to  shout out that the fact that I have managed to get sober and stay that way for over eight months does not mean that everything is OK and I am fine to be left to get on with it. But if I did that  I would sound  like a little kid protesting “it’s not fair”. As my parents told me and I tell my girls, life isn’t fair. So perhaps I should just get used to it. Stop moaning. Shut up and put up ?

My thinking is all over the place. I have been harping on about how lonely I feel for ages now and I’m not really making any progress. I’m sober and that’s wonderful but I’m still sober alone. Sober lonely. Xx

10 thoughts on “Sober Lonely

  1. I totally understand Tori. It’s like we made it to 8 months + so we cannot be that bad right? Wrong. I think because we have been doing it by ourselves for so long we are in greater need of support and understanding. I think these meetings work better the more we attend them and build up relationships. (says the girl whose yet to get to her first meeting)
    We are good at putting on a brave face, looking like we are coping – we did it for years while we were drinking. Xxx

    1. Thanks Mrs Mac. You have made me feel much less selfish and ungrateful. I wish we lived closer – we could set up our own group !! Xxx

  2. Not sure if groups such as Soberistas have any “in real life” meetings or opportunities for socialising – it might be worth looking into. I do know that a couple of years ago a couple of bloggers in the U.K. were talking about a mass -participation walk, which apparently was great fun. I think Lou from A Hangover Free Life might know about it.
    Look after yourself xx

  3. Hey Tori,

    Your posts are an inspiration to many. I too have felt isolated and abandoned at meetings once you’re no longer a “newbie”, I don’t think AA’s ethos to always be there to reach out to the Newcommer helps when you’re 8 months in, but it is what it is.

    I have found DBT therapy amazing, having been recently diagnosed with BPD. Now I can fully understand why I’ve been alcohol, food, shopping and in my earlier years men dependent. I’m not saying you need to go down a route of therapy, but there are some many holistic avenues too, does Spice UK or any other local community to meet and share and explore hobbies. What are your passions? What do you most enjoy about being sober?

    Focussing on your loneliness will only exacerbate yours feelings of not being heard, when you are lovely. Why not start up your own blog or local meeting? At least look into it. Where are you based? I’d be happy to jump on a call with you.

    8 months is totally normal to feel like this. There are so many amazing books. I tell you one that a listen to regularly on Audio, download Audible Books and look for Sober Revolution, massively inspiring, I often put my headset on and go through the audio chapters.

    You also don’t need to focus on being with sober people, start a coffee or book club, look into local charity things. Many people who are not alcohol dependent have access to these events. If you label yourself an alcoholic or alcohol dependent – people will treat you like this. Instead think of yourself of free of alcohol and you don’t need an excuse to do this.

    Gratuity lists and loving yourself and those you love most will take you out of feeling lonely. The Universe works in mysterious ways my lovely – the more you give the more you will receive and you attract what you are thinking……. Metaphysics…..

    A huge hug for you from the Universe…….

    1. Thank you. I really appreciate you taking the time to write such a caring compassionate and wise response. You have given me lots to think about.I Amin Birmingham. Hugs xxx

  4. Hi Tori!
    I found that if I focus on myself I am unhappy. It’s when I reach out and help other people, that’s when I flourish. In my group, all voices and all levels are respected.
    I never know who I might help by what I say in group!
    I really hope you can find some real life support!
    You have some wonderful comments above!
    Just know, getting and staying sober is awesome, and you are doing it beautifully!!

  5. I get this 100% Tori. I think this is one reason my eating is so disordered and I am losing weight. It’s a childish “cry for help” like throwing a tantrum and screaming – “will Someone fucking notice I’m struggling” . I have PM’d you in the other place xxxX

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