So today I decided to go to a meeting. I have written here about how lonely I feel and how I have been looking for some kind of peer support group. I went to one group which although it started well, didn’t work out so I have been back to square one. I am a very tactile person and I feel a real need to be around people who are on a similar journey to me. Not that I am going to start hugging them and grabbing their hands (!) but just that I would sometimes like to be able to see and hear other people and be seen and heard. I would like to be physically in the same room with people who “get it”.
The meeting was OK. The people were nice and the facilitator was good. But still I felt that because outwardly I am coping ok, because I have made it this far, my need was less valid than that of others who are visibly struggling right now. The facilitator asked me if I was having any problems staying sober and I said no but I am feeling very lonely and isolated and sad. Then I cried. He asked me if something had happened to trigger these feelings. I couldn’t really answer.
This made me feel guilty but also really resentful towards those who I see getting the support I crave. Then I felt guilty about feeling resentful. I want to shout out that the fact that I have managed to get sober and stay that way for over eight months does not mean that everything is OK and I am fine to be left to get on with it. But if I did that I would sound like a little kid protesting “it’s not fair”. As my parents told me and I tell my girls, life isn’t fair. So perhaps I should just get used to it. Stop moaning. Shut up and put up ?
My thinking is all over the place. I have been harping on about how lonely I feel for ages now and I’m not really making any progress. I’m sober and that’s wonderful but I’m still sober alone. Sober lonely. Xx