Angry

I am not generally an angry person. When I become emotional I am much more likely to cry rather than shout. My general reaction when something goes wrong is to blame myself and feel frustrated, inadequate and weak. I might on those occasions feel angry with myself but never at other people.

At work yesterday, something happened which I felt was grossly unfair and which I consider the other person involved used as an opportunity to make a point. He was deliberately obstructive and difficult. The issue was really trivial, petty even, but I became very wound up.

I lost my cool. I was so cross that I came close to shouting. I had tears pricking my eyes, tears of  anger – a new and most unwelcome experience. I spent all day thinking about the injustice of the situation and when I went home I vented to Mr So about what had happened. This continued all evening and into the night and early hours. At 3.15am today I was still awake and still fuming.

Then this morning Mr So said something which I didn’t like. I felt enraged. Again, over something trivial and insignificant. Again I felt more than irritated. Angry.

I am still ruminating about both incidents.

I don’t like this feeling. It is unsettling. I don’t know why its happening. I need to be in control and right now I’m not. The anger is intense. I can feel my jaw clenched. If I concentrate I can relax it but quickly it is clenched again. I am grinding my teeth.

I really hope this is not going to be part of the new sober me.

8 thoughts on “Angry

  1. Hugs Tori. I don’t think it will be a permenant thing. But feeling anger is normal… you (and I) have spent years swallowing anger, not expressing it and submerging under booze. A healthy, self protective anger will be a good thine, and it shows your self esteem is growing. I find anger uncomfortable too – I have difficulty in not blaming myself … but I will get there, and do will you. Lily xx

  2. Hi tori

    I hope you don’t mind me saying that anger is a normal and healthy reaction. It’s only when it slips into rage that it becomes troublesome.

    I think, as lily says, that it maybe shows some growth that you are feeling your feelings and not numbing. It’s not comfortable but probably shows the progress you are making.

    Sending hugs xxx Claire

    1. I don’t mind at all. It’s very helpful.I think you are right – alcohol was numbing everything. Feeling is better than not. Xx

  3. Excellent. I love and loathe the grinding my teeth Club, it took me a couple of years to realise how many dickheads and corporate high achieving flunkies there are out there; you’re one step ahead of me in that’s its taken you less than a year – hats off to you kiddo!

    I couldn’t help but go back to your post on Secure in Sobriety where you commented on a scale your daughter’s school attainment levels, being classed on emerging, developing, secure and mastered – it hit a chord with me too and I agree it struck me too that these levels apply to my own sobriety and I’d like to throw out there the relevance to your most recent post “Angry”, at the levels the “educational setting” can be explained when you give up your crutch – my thoughts only but it has got me thinking tonight on a sober/corporate platform so please bear with me!

    Emerging – you’ve stopped crying (aka previous post) – now you have a valid opinion and point of view. If it was grossly unfair you are entitled and in your professional capacity warranted to do something about it – besides rant in your own head; which let’s face it is how we use to act out – emerging; you are one step ahead kiddo.

    Developing – “you were so cross to shouting” but you didn’t – even though you were near to tears. THATS DEVELOPMENT.

    Secure – Uuum – a little work needed here because, at the time of writing this post you were still ruminating, but importantly and I can’t emphasis this enough, you did NOT act out, you have sat with this – you are in control (of you) the situation is out of control and always will be, the only person you can try to control, or situation you can control, is YOU and you’ve done that – to quote what you wrote here in your previous post “to use and apply their knowledge and skills confidently” – YOU DID.

    Greater Depth (Mastering), – WIP – like the rest of us who are challenged every day with thoughts, emotions and feelings that we are applying at a different level (soberly) – You’re leading the field, keep those posts coming you speak volumes…….

    PS – when you get to mastery patent it! I’ll be your first supplier…..

    Amanda x

    1. Thank you so much Amanda. There is masses to think about there. You have made me feel so much better. What I felt IS development and you’re right, even though I felt like shouting I didn’t and that’s important. Xxx

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