I am not generally an angry person. When I become emotional I am much more likely to cry rather than shout. My general reaction when something goes wrong is to blame myself and feel frustrated, inadequate and weak. I might on those occasions feel angry with myself but never at other people.
At work yesterday, something happened which I felt was grossly unfair and which I consider the other person involved used as an opportunity to make a point. He was deliberately obstructive and difficult. The issue was really trivial, petty even, but I became very wound up.
I lost my cool. I was so cross that I came close to shouting. I had tears pricking my eyes, tears of anger – a new and most unwelcome experience. I spent all day thinking about the injustice of the situation and when I went home I vented to Mr So about what had happened. This continued all evening and into the night and early hours. At 3.15am today I was still awake and still fuming.
Then this morning Mr So said something which I didn’t like. I felt enraged. Again, over something trivial and insignificant. Again I felt more than irritated. Angry.
I am still ruminating about both incidents.
I don’t like this feeling. It is unsettling. I don’t know why its happening. I need to be in control and right now I’m not. The anger is intense. I can feel my jaw clenched. If I concentrate I can relax it but quickly it is clenched again. I am grinding my teeth.
I really hope this is not going to be part of the new sober me.