I have written before about drinking dreams and the relief to wake up and find it was only a dream and I have not got to go back to Day One and start over.
But last night I had a slightly different kind of drinking dream – kind of in reverse.
I was going to a party where I had heard that someone who I had never met before but had apparently had decided she didn’t like me, was going to confront me. My friends were asking me if I was going to be OK and suggesting it might be better to stay away. But I was determined that I was going to go and not be intimidated by this person, who by all accounts was pretty scary. I reassured my friends by telling them everything would be OK because I would have a couple of drinks before I went to the party. For couple of drinks read a bottle of wine – two huge glasses. I was quite happy that after a drink I would be good to go and nothing but nothing would be too much for me.
But then, all of sudden I realised I couldn’t put this plan into action because I DON’T DRINK. I panicked and I didn’t go to the party.
There are some positives in this because I didn’t challenge my not drinking. That was an absolute and I didn’t even consider the possibility that I would have those couple of glasses of wine. But I think it’s telling that I couldn’t take the next step and go to the party sober. I have a feeling that if I had made it there without a drink I may have succumbed whilst there.
I still haven’t been to a party or social occasion outside my immediate circle of close friends and Mr So and I don’t think I want to just yet. But I suppose that’s OK. Baby steps. Keep putting one foot in front of the next.