Yesterday my very special friend Lily posted an excellent post on her blog about cross addiction. If you haven’t already seen it you can find it here:
Cross addiction is something which I am currently fighting. I have always had a bit of an issue with food and when I first stopped drinking, I knew that that had to be my priority and if I ate too much or ate unhealthily I wouldn’t worry too much. It was all part of the process of getting sober.
Despite what I told myself, My expectation was that I would lose weight and quickly. I would be sober and slim and all would be well. But the weight didn’t shift and at almost 300 days, remains stubbornly the same. I have noticed that my attitude to food has become unnervingly similar to the way I thought about drinking. I will eat large amounts of food, quickly, while no one is looking. I don’t get any pleasure from it and I feel guilty and ashamed afterwards. I think about food a lot. What shall I eat ? What would I like to eat? What should I eat ? Sometimes I am downright disgusted with myself. Why can’t I just be normal ?
I hate the thought of tripping from one addiction to the next for the rest of my life. If I tackle food, what will be next – pills, gambling, shopping ???
With drinking I had to get to a point where I was ready to stop. At the moment I don’t think I am in the right place to tackle my eating full on. If I was advising a friend I would tell them to continue with self-care, speak to a therapist and be kind and gentle to themselves. I would tell them to be proud of their sobriety and I would challenge their assertion that they lack willpower.
I thought that stopping drinking would solve all my problems one and for all and life would be perfect. I know now that that was an unrealistic expectation. Life happens. Bad things happen. One thing I am sure of through is that alcohol would make everything far, far worse so I won’t be going back.
I am going to see my therapist and work through this with her. Hopefully through doing so I will emerge stronger and happier and more resilient.