Just that really. Feels a bit surreal but in a GOOD way. Feels OK.
I have been thinking a lot recently about the concepts of “recovering” as in recovering alcoholic, and being “in recovery”. I know there is a great deal of debate about the use of “recovering” versus “recovered” and that is a whole different debate, but I have been looking at the stages before that – am I recovering or am I in recovery ?
For me,recovering comes before being in recovery. If I visualise it, recovering is a tough hill climb, starting off steep and treacherous underfoot, turning into more of a rocky incline and eventually levelling off somewhat. All the way along there are icy patches and muddy puddles underfoot with rickety bridges and fast flowing rivers to be navigated. Even the most determined and focussed sometimes lose their footing, sustaining anything from superficial cuts and bruises to a fracture or other serious injury.
I think of being “in recovery” as the point at which the ground levels out, the path is well-defined and for the most part, free of significant obstacles. The journey becomes gentler, more of a stroll than a climb. There are still ups and downs along the way but generally things are more stable and secure. It feels like stepping out into the spring sunshine after an interminably long, bitterly cold, dark winter.
I think that I am still at the “recovering” stage although the path is far less steep and less rocky than before. There are still some tough inclines and downhill tumbles which catch me unawares but generally I regain my footing within a few days. I am getting there. Slowly but surely.
I am not sure when I will attain a level of stability which will indicate that I am “in recovery”. I don’t know if there is a point at which I will be part recovering, part in recovery or whether I will just transform from the former to the latter in one smooth, barely perceptible movement. How will I know for sure I’ve made the transition ? Perhaps my recovering/in recovery theory is a load of old baloney. Time will tell but for now I’m OK.