Last week I made it to 400 days. I have been looking back at the posts I wrote on each on my previous “sober centuries.”
At 100 days I wrote:
Over the past 100 days I have rediscovered my sense of self respect. I have my dignity and self esteem back. Although I still seek approval and reassurance from others, I am learning that ultimately it is how I feel about myself and how I choose to live my life which matters. Although I am not there yet, I am beginning to feel more at ease with myself than I have for a very long time. That sense of ease is something I am going to work hard to nurture and grow some more.
100 days further on :
When I was drinking it was a huge secret which I carried around with me all mixed up with guilt, shame and fear. I am finding it hard that just as I kept my drinking secret, now I am having do the same with my sobriety. I can’t share my alcoholism so I can’t share my sobriety. I suppose this is where my group comes in.
But 200 days feels good.
and at 300 days:
I think that I am still at the “recovering” stage although the path is far less steep and less rocky than before. There are still some tough inclines and downhill tumbles which catch me unawares but generally I regain my footing within a few days. I am getting there. Slowly but surely.
Recently I have been feeling very flat. Drinking seems a long time ago and it is easy to gloss over quite how awful it was. Doing that also plays down the extent of the progress I have made. If I wasn’t “that bad” then getting to where I am today isn’t really so much of an achievement. This is a dangerous way of thinking. This is the kind of thinking which leads on to thoughts of having “just one” and drinking like a “normal” person now I have “reset my switch”. I can’t entertain those thoughts, however fleetingly.
My previous posts remind me how far I have come and what a truly awesome achievement that is. I am getting there. xx