I haven’t posted for a long time. I’m doing well – day 583. I don’t really count days any more but every now and again I check my app.
Club Sober is going well. I have a nice little group and others dip in and out. I am fine with that. If someone is drinking and finding it tough they know the door is always open and their drinking doesn’t mean they can’t come – in fact that’s when they should try and make it because the group is very warm and open. We offer each other huge support and even have a laugh – my account of doing the 5:2 diet and having a bottle of wine as my 500 calories raised some nods and smiles! Did I really do that ?!!
But I have noticed that my own sense of self worth isn’t undermined when someone else has a relapse. I am emotionally engaged, of course I am, but not emotionally entangled if that makes sense.
I am naturally a rescuer and I want to make everything right, as quickly as possible but I have come to accept that I can’t always do that. Ultimately if someone chooses to drink (and I really do believe it is a choice – I don’t subscribe to the concept of powerlessness) that is their choice. I made the same choice for years and years. If someone is not ready, does not want to stop, I can’t force them. I can tell them how glad I am that I stopped and how it has changed my life. I can be there until they are ready and I can support them through that process but I accept that sometimes someone might never get to the point where they are ready to stop. But that’s not me and I am not responsible.
This is very liberating. It’s a massive change for me. In the past I would have berated myself for being selfish. Now I can see that it enables me to keep myself safe and to better support those around me.